Friday, September 4, 2009

longing... hoping... wishing that someday...

It's been a month since i had miscarriage. Yes, finally i got pregnant naturally. hubby and i was so happy... it was my first time after 4 years of waiting that finally we got a big fat positive. hubby was telling me that he will be going back to Obando (we were there during the feast day last May, and we went there dancing) because it was his promise that when i will be getting pregnant, babalik sya doon.

It was July 25, 2009 (also our patron Saint James feast day) when i found out that i was pregnant. We were so delightful, my heart is so happy. At first it was a faint line, we even tested so many times until lines were much visible. Hubby and I went to my OB July 27, but unfortunately my OB was not around.. I heard days after that her husband died. We decided to go to another OB, i know i really have to go for check up. When i was 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant (aug1, saturday), i went to another OB since my OB is not yet around but then there was no gestational sac found yet. She told me that it was yet too early kaya hindi pa makita. And on that day also, we found out that i also have a UTI and i have to undergo medications. She only gave me a very low dose of antibiotics because i am pregnant that time.

Sunday morning (august 2, 2009), i had a brown disharge. Kinabahan na ako that time, i had a strange feeling. Pinapalakas ko yong loob ko, i was telling myself na hindi naman sya blood. hubby told me not to worry and just have a bedrest nalang. Monday, i went to work at may brown discharges pa rin. On that night, after peeing i saw blood in the toilet bowl. I was crying... i knew then that my pregnancy didn't continue. Hubby was comforting me that time. But i know, my hubby was crying too it's just that he didn't want me seeing him crying. I was crying the whole night... nakatulugan ko na nga ang pag-iyak ko. The following morning, the bleeding stopped. Hindi din napuno ang sanitary pad na ginamit ko. So my hopes went high again... naisip ko na baka implantaion bleeding lang un. I even asked hubby to buy another PT. I tested again and still, there was a faint line (which means positve pa rin). so i told myself na buntis pa rin ako. I didn't go to work that day so i can have bedrest. August 5, hubby and i went back to my OB. I had TVS, and she told me that i had a weak pregnancy. She told me that i really got pregnant but it's just that it didn't continue for some reasons: maaring weak daw ang egg ko, or weak ang sperm ni hubby or weak ang combination of both sperm and egg; another reason might be chemical pregnancy.

Our emotions were like a roller coaster. Sad to say that my pregnancy didn't continue. It's so sad, until now while typing my story... i can't help but cry. But i have to move on... hubby was telling me that we will try gain. Practice makes perfect sabi nga. :) The 2 weeks i had knowing that i am pregnant was really a happy feeling... sobrang saya ng pakiramdam. I will always treasure that moments and sana sa susunod, i will have a safe and healthy full term pregnancy. I'm feelin' better now... yet still coping. There are times na nalulungkot pa rin ako, pero sa tuwing makikita ko kung gaano ka-supportive at maalaga si hubby nawawala lahat ng lungkot ko.

To all moms-to-be, enjoy each moment being pregnant and take care always! And for the wanna-be-moms that are waiting like me... let's keep our faith high, sooner darating din time para sa atin.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Summer time... wishing for a baby

summer na naman, maraming mga get together at outings with family and friends... and for sure marami na namang questions sa amin ni hubby kung bakit until now wala pa rin kaming baby. if i could only answer them when...

we've been married for almost 4 years (4th anniversary namin sa May 8), how i wish we will receive the greatest gift we have been wishing before our anniversary. we've been to different OB's for work ups, but then until now wala pa rin. I wish we can afford expensive work ups such as IVF but then hubby and I are just ordinary income earners. Nakakapagod na rin kung minsan...financially and emotionally draining but then, I'm keeping my faith high and patiently waiting. I believe God has reasons, and I believe that miracles do happen in His perfect time. He is just testing us how patient we are.

Sometimes i cry a river... lalo at nakakarinig ako ng hindi maganda from insensitive people around me, looking at me as an abnormal married woman just because i cannot get pregnant. They will bug you with questions like "o wala pa?, or wala pa kayong baby? which obviously alam naman nilang wala pa. Hay, annoying talaga. I just keep in my mind that they can never understand our situation because they haven't been there.

I'm glad i can blog them here and express what I'm feeling, and most of all thank God I have a loving and supportive husband. For now, i just enjoy hubby's company habang wala pa ang pinakahihintay naming munting anghel. Weekend getaways muna kami. Pag dumating si baby, we know that it would be a different one... that definitely our baby will be our no. 1 priority.

Sa mga katulad kong hanggang ngayon ay naghihintay, let us keep our faith high (sana makulitan na si Lord sa mga dasal natin) and patiently wait... Good things come for those who wait. Baby dust to us!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Life isn't fair, but it's still Good!

I cried this morning (can't help it). I'm hurting... I never thought that someone close to us would say things like that. Akala ko pa naman sila ang isa sa mga taong higit na makakaintindi sa pinagdadaanan namin, bagkus sila pa ang nagbibigay ng kabigatan sa aking kalooban. Gusto kong itanong sa sarili ko kung tama lang ba na magalit ako... o maaring sensitibo lang ako. I just wanted to think that maybe they don't really know what we are going through, or maybe because they were never in our shoes to say things like that... Life isn't fair, but it's still good. Having each other is a blessing, having a baby will be an extra blessing for us. Sana lang maintindihan kami ng mga taong nakapaligid sa amin. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanila na hindi madali para sa amin ang pinagdadaanan namin at higit naming kailangan ang kanilang panalangin, pang-unawa at suporta at hindi ang kung anu-anong sabi-sabi sa ibang tao. I'm trying not to get affected, pero hindi ganun kadali para sa akin... how can I when all i want and dreamed of is to become a wife and a mother. I hope and pray that God will listen to my heart's desires...

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

done with Luprolex shots

I finished my last shot of Luprolex last December 29, 2008. At last!

I don't have my menstruation period yet... my day 56 to be exact (last time was November 19, 2008). I'm experiencing hot flashes every 20 minutes, good thing the weather is cold since last December. Hubby would always see to it that my back isn't wet. He puts hand towels or paper towels in my back because i keep on perspiring even if it's cold.

I hope i can go back to my OB soon... as soon as i have my period. I wish that my endometriosis was treated, so we can start our work up again. I wish that we will be blessed with the greatest gift we have been waiting for this year... baby/babies!

Baby dust to all those who wishes to have!