Wednesday, July 14, 2010
When will it be? I really need lots of patience...
When it will be? Kelan nga ba? Para na akong punching bag na bugbog na sa katanungang yan. I hope and wish i can answer it... pero kahit sa sarili ko hindi ko magawang sagutin. Nakakaiyak isipin, nakakaiyak sa tuwing kami ay kinukutya na para bang hindi kami normal na tao. Sana mainitindihan nila kung ano ang pinagdadaanan namin, sana maintindihan nila na mahal namin ang isa't isa at higit pa yon sa pwedeng matanggap na biyaya mula sa langit. Hindi nga ba sapat ang pagmamahal sa mag-asawa, kakulangan nga ba ang hindi pagkakaroon ng supling? Hindi ba't bonus lang yon sa mag-asawa. Hanggang ngayon, umaasa at nangangarap kaming mag-asawa na isang araw kami rin ay maging isang magulang... magulang na magbibigay ng pagmamahal at pag-aaruga sa isang anak. Iniisip ko pa lang na may tumatawag sa akin ng Nanay ay lubos ang kaligayahan ng aking puso. Kumakapit pa rin kami sa pag-asa, at sumasalampalataya sa Maykapal na isang araw ay mayayakap namin ang isang munting anghel sa aming buhay.
Monday, June 21, 2010
A Prayer...
It's been a while i haven't posted here. I wish i have already a good news to share... but then its not yet our luck. Yesterday was fathers' day, how i wish hubby and i can celebrate it. Just to ease the pain, i didn't open TV (kunwari nalang hindi fathers' day). Recently, i heard the news that my brother-in-law's wife is on her way to motherhood. It's a blessing for the family... i am happy that finally my mom-in-law who's been longing for a grandchild will soon be granted, and also felt sad for myself =(. While browsing the GT (my favorite website wherein i can relate with the wanna be moms like me in their journey), i came across with this prayer which i wanted to share:
Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself. Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.
Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.
Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.
Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!
This is really a wonderful prayer, every time i read this, it lightens me and somewhat eases the burden i felt. People around us may not understand what we are going through as well as we may not understand them whenever they keep us bugging questions and annoying comments but each day, i pray to God to help us make stronger, to have an open heart of acceptance of whatever His plans for us. At the end of the day before i go to sleep, hugs and kisses of hubby melts all my burdens. Despite all these things, i feel so blessed.
Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself. Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.
Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.
Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.
Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!
This is really a wonderful prayer, every time i read this, it lightens me and somewhat eases the burden i felt. People around us may not understand what we are going through as well as we may not understand them whenever they keep us bugging questions and annoying comments but each day, i pray to God to help us make stronger, to have an open heart of acceptance of whatever His plans for us. At the end of the day before i go to sleep, hugs and kisses of hubby melts all my burdens. Despite all these things, i feel so blessed.
Friday, September 4, 2009
longing... hoping... wishing that someday...
It's been a month since i had miscarriage. Yes, finally i got pregnant naturally. hubby and i was so happy... it was my first time after 4 years of waiting that finally we got a big fat positive. hubby was telling me that he will be going back to Obando (we were there during the feast day last May, and we went there dancing) because it was his promise that when i will be getting pregnant, babalik sya doon.
It was July 25, 2009 (also our patron Saint James feast day) when i found out that i was pregnant. We were so delightful, my heart is so happy. At first it was a faint line, we even tested so many times until lines were much visible. Hubby and I went to my OB July 27, but unfortunately my OB was not around.. I heard days after that her husband died. We decided to go to another OB, i know i really have to go for check up. When i was 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant (aug1, saturday), i went to another OB since my OB is not yet around but then there was no gestational sac found yet. She told me that it was yet too early kaya hindi pa makita. And on that day also, we found out that i also have a UTI and i have to undergo medications. She only gave me a very low dose of antibiotics because i am pregnant that time.
Sunday morning (august 2, 2009), i had a brown disharge. Kinabahan na ako that time, i had a strange feeling. Pinapalakas ko yong loob ko, i was telling myself na hindi naman sya blood. hubby told me not to worry and just have a bedrest nalang. Monday, i went to work at may brown discharges pa rin. On that night, after peeing i saw blood in the toilet bowl. I was crying... i knew then that my pregnancy didn't continue. Hubby was comforting me that time. But i know, my hubby was crying too it's just that he didn't want me seeing him crying. I was crying the whole night... nakatulugan ko na nga ang pag-iyak ko. The following morning, the bleeding stopped. Hindi din napuno ang sanitary pad na ginamit ko. So my hopes went high again... naisip ko na baka implantaion bleeding lang un. I even asked hubby to buy another PT. I tested again and still, there was a faint line (which means positve pa rin). so i told myself na buntis pa rin ako. I didn't go to work that day so i can have bedrest. August 5, hubby and i went back to my OB. I had TVS, and she told me that i had a weak pregnancy. She told me that i really got pregnant but it's just that it didn't continue for some reasons: maaring weak daw ang egg ko, or weak ang sperm ni hubby or weak ang combination of both sperm and egg; another reason might be chemical pregnancy.
Our emotions were like a roller coaster. Sad to say that my pregnancy didn't continue. It's so sad, until now while typing my story... i can't help but cry. But i have to move on... hubby was telling me that we will try gain. Practice makes perfect sabi nga.
The 2 weeks i had knowing that i am pregnant was really a happy feeling... sobrang saya ng pakiramdam. I will always treasure that moments and sana sa susunod, i will have a safe and healthy full term pregnancy. I'm feelin' better now... yet still coping. There are times na nalulungkot pa rin ako, pero sa tuwing makikita ko kung gaano ka-supportive at maalaga si hubby nawawala lahat ng lungkot ko.
To all moms-to-be, enjoy each moment being pregnant and take care always! And for the wanna-be-moms that are waiting like me... let's keep our faith high, sooner darating din time para sa atin.
It was July 25, 2009 (also our patron Saint James feast day) when i found out that i was pregnant. We were so delightful, my heart is so happy. At first it was a faint line, we even tested so many times until lines were much visible. Hubby and I went to my OB July 27, but unfortunately my OB was not around.. I heard days after that her husband died. We decided to go to another OB, i know i really have to go for check up. When i was 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant (aug1, saturday), i went to another OB since my OB is not yet around but then there was no gestational sac found yet. She told me that it was yet too early kaya hindi pa makita. And on that day also, we found out that i also have a UTI and i have to undergo medications. She only gave me a very low dose of antibiotics because i am pregnant that time.
Sunday morning (august 2, 2009), i had a brown disharge. Kinabahan na ako that time, i had a strange feeling. Pinapalakas ko yong loob ko, i was telling myself na hindi naman sya blood. hubby told me not to worry and just have a bedrest nalang. Monday, i went to work at may brown discharges pa rin. On that night, after peeing i saw blood in the toilet bowl. I was crying... i knew then that my pregnancy didn't continue. Hubby was comforting me that time. But i know, my hubby was crying too it's just that he didn't want me seeing him crying. I was crying the whole night... nakatulugan ko na nga ang pag-iyak ko. The following morning, the bleeding stopped. Hindi din napuno ang sanitary pad na ginamit ko. So my hopes went high again... naisip ko na baka implantaion bleeding lang un. I even asked hubby to buy another PT. I tested again and still, there was a faint line (which means positve pa rin). so i told myself na buntis pa rin ako. I didn't go to work that day so i can have bedrest. August 5, hubby and i went back to my OB. I had TVS, and she told me that i had a weak pregnancy. She told me that i really got pregnant but it's just that it didn't continue for some reasons: maaring weak daw ang egg ko, or weak ang sperm ni hubby or weak ang combination of both sperm and egg; another reason might be chemical pregnancy.
Our emotions were like a roller coaster. Sad to say that my pregnancy didn't continue. It's so sad, until now while typing my story... i can't help but cry. But i have to move on... hubby was telling me that we will try gain. Practice makes perfect sabi nga.
The 2 weeks i had knowing that i am pregnant was really a happy feeling... sobrang saya ng pakiramdam. I will always treasure that moments and sana sa susunod, i will have a safe and healthy full term pregnancy. I'm feelin' better now... yet still coping. There are times na nalulungkot pa rin ako, pero sa tuwing makikita ko kung gaano ka-supportive at maalaga si hubby nawawala lahat ng lungkot ko.To all moms-to-be, enjoy each moment being pregnant and take care always! And for the wanna-be-moms that are waiting like me... let's keep our faith high, sooner darating din time para sa atin.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Summer time... wishing for a baby
summer na naman, maraming mga get together at outings with family and friends... and for sure marami na namang questions sa amin ni hubby kung bakit until now wala pa rin kaming baby. if i could only answer them when...
we've been married for almost 4 years (4th anniversary namin sa May 8), how i wish we will receive the greatest gift we have been wishing before our anniversary. we've been to different OB's for work ups, but then until now wala pa rin. I wish we can afford expensive work ups such as IVF but then hubby and I are just ordinary income earners. Nakakapagod na rin kung minsan...financially and emotionally draining but then, I'm keeping my faith high and patiently waiting. I believe God has reasons, and I believe that miracles do happen in His perfect time. He is just testing us how patient we are.
Sometimes i cry a river... lalo at nakakarinig ako ng hindi maganda from insensitive people around me, looking at me as an abnormal married woman just because i cannot get pregnant. They will bug you with questions like "o wala pa?, or wala pa kayong baby? which obviously alam naman nilang wala pa. Hay, annoying talaga. I just keep in my mind that they can never understand our situation because they haven't been there.
I'm glad i can blog them here and express what I'm feeling, and most of all thank God I have a loving and supportive husband. For now, i just enjoy hubby's company habang wala pa ang pinakahihintay naming munting anghel. Weekend getaways muna kami. Pag dumating si baby, we know that it would be a different one... that definitely our baby will be our no. 1 priority.
Sa mga katulad kong hanggang ngayon ay naghihintay, let us keep our faith high (sana makulitan na si Lord sa mga dasal natin) and patiently wait... Good things come for those who wait. Baby dust to us!
we've been married for almost 4 years (4th anniversary namin sa May 8), how i wish we will receive the greatest gift we have been wishing before our anniversary. we've been to different OB's for work ups, but then until now wala pa rin. I wish we can afford expensive work ups such as IVF but then hubby and I are just ordinary income earners. Nakakapagod na rin kung minsan...financially and emotionally draining but then, I'm keeping my faith high and patiently waiting. I believe God has reasons, and I believe that miracles do happen in His perfect time. He is just testing us how patient we are.
Sometimes i cry a river... lalo at nakakarinig ako ng hindi maganda from insensitive people around me, looking at me as an abnormal married woman just because i cannot get pregnant. They will bug you with questions like "o wala pa?, or wala pa kayong baby? which obviously alam naman nilang wala pa. Hay, annoying talaga. I just keep in my mind that they can never understand our situation because they haven't been there.
I'm glad i can blog them here and express what I'm feeling, and most of all thank God I have a loving and supportive husband. For now, i just enjoy hubby's company habang wala pa ang pinakahihintay naming munting anghel. Weekend getaways muna kami. Pag dumating si baby, we know that it would be a different one... that definitely our baby will be our no. 1 priority.
Sa mga katulad kong hanggang ngayon ay naghihintay, let us keep our faith high (sana makulitan na si Lord sa mga dasal natin) and patiently wait... Good things come for those who wait. Baby dust to us!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Life isn't fair, but it's still Good!
I cried this morning (can't help it). I'm hurting... I never thought that someone close to us would say things like that. Akala ko pa naman sila ang isa sa mga taong higit na makakaintindi sa pinagdadaanan namin, bagkus sila pa ang nagbibigay ng kabigatan sa aking kalooban. Gusto kong itanong sa sarili ko kung tama lang ba na magalit ako... o maaring sensitibo lang ako. I just wanted to think that maybe they don't really know what we are going through, or maybe because they were never in our shoes to say things like that... Life isn't fair, but it's still good. Having each other is a blessing, having a baby will be an extra blessing for us. Sana lang maintindihan kami ng mga taong nakapaligid sa amin. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanila na hindi madali para sa amin ang pinagdadaanan namin at higit naming kailangan ang kanilang panalangin, pang-unawa at suporta at hindi ang kung anu-anong sabi-sabi sa ibang tao. I'm trying not to get affected, pero hindi ganun kadali para sa akin... how can I when all i want and dreamed of is to become a wife and a mother. I hope and pray that God will listen to my heart's desires...
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
done with Luprolex shots
I finished my last shot of Luprolex last December 29, 2008. At last!
I don't have my menstruation period yet... my day 56 to be exact (last time was November 19, 2008). I'm experiencing hot flashes every 20 minutes, good thing the weather is cold since last December. Hubby would always see to it that my back isn't wet. He puts hand towels or paper towels in my back because i keep on perspiring even if it's cold.
I hope i can go back to my OB soon... as soon as i have my period. I wish that my endometriosis was treated, so we can start our work up again. I wish that we will be blessed with the greatest gift we have been waiting for this year... baby/babies!
Baby dust to all those who wishes to have!
I don't have my menstruation period yet... my day 56 to be exact (last time was November 19, 2008). I'm experiencing hot flashes every 20 minutes, good thing the weather is cold since last December. Hubby would always see to it that my back isn't wet. He puts hand towels or paper towels in my back because i keep on perspiring even if it's cold.
I hope i can go back to my OB soon... as soon as i have my period. I wish that my endometriosis was treated, so we can start our work up again. I wish that we will be blessed with the greatest gift we have been waiting for this year... baby/babies!
Baby dust to all those who wishes to have!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Battling with Fertility Threats
Haven't posted for quiet some time...
I've been to my OB the other day (day 4 of my cycle)... for my fertility work-ups again. I told my doctor regarding the pain i had been experiencing for the previous months during my menstrual cycle. She told me it might be symptoms of endometriosis. She had me checked... transvaginal ultrasound and IE. Endometriosis is starting... Oh my! Another fertility threat! Para akong pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa... parang guguho ang mundo ko. Hindi na nga yata matatapos ang pakikipaglaban ko sa infertility issues. Just few days ago i heard one of my friends is on her way to motherhood. Alam ko masama ang mainggit, but i couldn't resist. Can't help but wish that sooner i'll be on my way to motherhood.
My doctor told me that i need to have Luprolex shots for 3 months (every 4 weeks). I was surprised that this injection was so expensive. It costs P5,000 per shot. Parang gusto kong mahulog sa kinauupuan ko upon hearing it. Hubby told me that money does not matter here, what's important is my health and for the sake of having a baby. I can't help but cry... i felt so devastated. I just closed my eyes and prayed... "Lord, we cannot afford such expensive treatments and the like for having a baby. We lift everything to You... and it is only You who can help us with this battle. Make my doctor Your instrument in fulfilling our greatest dream. May Your will be done."
I had my first shot of Luprolex last November 3. I waited for the medicine for almost 6 hours, naubusan ang aking doctor ng stock because just in the morning one of her patients took 2 shots to be brought in Australia. She called one of the MedReps for another delivery. It's not available on pharmacies since its quite expensive and cannot be stocked and cannot be disposed easily. I have to finish 3 shots, my second shot will be on December 1, and last shot will be on December 29. I will be seeing my Doctor after i finished my Luprolex shots and have my menstrual period on day 2 or 3.
I'm keeping my faith high... and patiently waiting. For now, i wanted to forget what i am going through. I lift everything to the Lord. I want to live my life to the fullest... make the best in everything I do. I want to close my ears with criticisms of other people treating me as an incomplete/abnormal married woman. I know they will never understand what I am going through because they have never been there. Hubby just told me last night, "heart, don't cry and don't be sad, malalagpasan natin ito". Thank you Lord for giving me such a wonderful husband... for giving me my source of strength. Sorry if sometimes my eyes can't see how blessed i am.
I've been to my OB the other day (day 4 of my cycle)... for my fertility work-ups again. I told my doctor regarding the pain i had been experiencing for the previous months during my menstrual cycle. She told me it might be symptoms of endometriosis. She had me checked... transvaginal ultrasound and IE. Endometriosis is starting... Oh my! Another fertility threat! Para akong pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa... parang guguho ang mundo ko. Hindi na nga yata matatapos ang pakikipaglaban ko sa infertility issues. Just few days ago i heard one of my friends is on her way to motherhood. Alam ko masama ang mainggit, but i couldn't resist. Can't help but wish that sooner i'll be on my way to motherhood.
My doctor told me that i need to have Luprolex shots for 3 months (every 4 weeks). I was surprised that this injection was so expensive. It costs P5,000 per shot. Parang gusto kong mahulog sa kinauupuan ko upon hearing it. Hubby told me that money does not matter here, what's important is my health and for the sake of having a baby. I can't help but cry... i felt so devastated. I just closed my eyes and prayed... "Lord, we cannot afford such expensive treatments and the like for having a baby. We lift everything to You... and it is only You who can help us with this battle. Make my doctor Your instrument in fulfilling our greatest dream. May Your will be done."
I had my first shot of Luprolex last November 3. I waited for the medicine for almost 6 hours, naubusan ang aking doctor ng stock because just in the morning one of her patients took 2 shots to be brought in Australia. She called one of the MedReps for another delivery. It's not available on pharmacies since its quite expensive and cannot be stocked and cannot be disposed easily. I have to finish 3 shots, my second shot will be on December 1, and last shot will be on December 29. I will be seeing my Doctor after i finished my Luprolex shots and have my menstrual period on day 2 or 3.
I'm keeping my faith high... and patiently waiting. For now, i wanted to forget what i am going through. I lift everything to the Lord. I want to live my life to the fullest... make the best in everything I do. I want to close my ears with criticisms of other people treating me as an incomplete/abnormal married woman. I know they will never understand what I am going through because they have never been there. Hubby just told me last night, "heart, don't cry and don't be sad, malalagpasan natin ito". Thank you Lord for giving me such a wonderful husband... for giving me my source of strength. Sorry if sometimes my eyes can't see how blessed i am.
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